Saturday, 12 May 2012

Carla Bruni made my kid cry

The Monk just alternated indignant screaming with biting off chunks of pink wafer, then continuing to scream as he chewed. I'm assuming he was pissed off at something, as he went on for quite a while (nothing unusual there), but you've gotta admire the boy's multi-tasking efforts. If ever I try to eat and rage at the same time, people start expressing concern for my mental wellbeing and shielding their faces from flying food detritus, because when I fury-munch, I AM SEXY.


Sunday night was a horrible mess of sleeplessness. Gabriel was cutting a molar tooth and had been a pain in the ass all day (in all fairness to him, it did look bloody sore, like a hot cross bun-shaped torture device), so 2:30 in the morning saw us wide awake and cuddled up in mama's bed watching the coverage from the French presidential elections, because dammit we know how to party in this house.

I must be one of the only people in Europe who's sorry to see Sarkozy go, but my reasons are hardly political. I've always been rather fond of the slimy little fucker, in the way that I'm fond of hamsters and all other furry or preposterous characters (Prince Philip and Silvio 'Bunga bunga' Berlusconi make up my unholy trinity of favourites here). I love his Cuban heels, his extravagant fibs (taking down the Berlin Wall, anyone?), his total lack of people skills, and his propensity to steal shiny pens. I just want to pinch his wrinkly little cheeks and pop him in my pocket. And as for Carla Bruni, well - she's the Facebook friend we all have that really needs deleting, but you just keep her for the lulz. Plus I have a morbid fascination with her ever-mutating face. It's like the Bride of Wildenstein before it all went totally fucking tits up.

Sarko and Silvio, just being themselves. Bless.

Although by rights, I should've found no joy in this whatsoever, I discovered today that Mrs B.-S. (LOVE that) is 'threatening' to relaunch her solo music 'career'. I was THRILLED. I haven't laughed so hard in forever... okay, maybe that's a lie; I laughed quite hard when a plastic ball from Gabriel's ball-spouting toy elephant thing bonked him square on the head, but that's neither here nor there. And I know it's a Daily Mail article, for which I apologise, but the wording of the title had me guffawing into my tea. And I love the picture of Sarko with the big stick. He looks like he's threatening to insert it into a rather baffled-looking Francois Hollande. I wouldn't be surprised if he did actually penetrate him with that big stick; in fact, I imagine the majority of Sarko's life has been dedicated to inserting things into other people. He WAS the President of France, after all.

In the name of scientific research (and for my own sadistic amusement), I decided to get on YouTube and test The Monk's reaction to the dulcet tones of Madame Carla. Seeing as this is the boy who headbangs to Edith Piaf, I reckoned this would be an interesting exercise. I wanted to see if he got the joke.

He didn't.

Carla Bruni made my son cry, and he didn't even have to look at her face. If she learned to eat wafers and have a snotty sobby tantrum at the same time, she'd be fucking unstoppable.

 Put the guitar down, Carla, and stick to scaring children. You're amazing at it.

1 comment:

  1. I know this post has been up for a while, but wanted to let you know that you are not the only one who will miss Sarkozy! #2 is X, who voted for the fucker (hope he enjoyed the 2012 election, because it's the last time his vote will not be canceled out by mine). But #3 is me, because I share your odd affection for Sarko. Basically because he has The Worst Poker Face In World Politics, and it never fails to crack me up.

    And sad to say, Sarko was a hell of a lot more gracious in defeat than President Flanby (for whom I probably would have voted if I were yet a citizen here) was in victory. Moreover, Trierweiler makes Carla look classy, and that's no small achievement.