Wednesday, 4 July 2012

Hello! I've been sent to kill you!

Well hello there, strangers. If June wasn't Mama's Headfuck Month of Hell, I don't know what was. Shit just went... BLARGHREOGJGWPEOWKFSPFLCSDPJGS. Just like that. I think my brain disappeared into some kind of hellish vortex of Nigerian scam e-mails and screaming children, combined with a leaky boiler and a house so shitted up that it resembled post-war Berlin. It was horrible. I should've written it all down, in fact, as a kind of whiny catharsis. Several times I caught myself thinking, "Don't I have a blog somewhere?" Instead, I drank wine. Quite a lot of it, actually. Never mind, I'm back now. Come and give the errant mama a cuddle.

June: A bad month to be The Monk.
Would you look at that title, kids? Doesn't it just scream glamour and film noir? I hope it does, because a few days weeks ago (THAT's how long I've been trying to write this bloody entry for), mama got her a death threat. Mama has that effect on people. Before you all get too excited though, I should point out that the death threat in question was sent to me via e-mail by a rather confused-sounding chap from Nigeria. I get THOUSANDS of these scam e-mails every week, thanks to my little hobby of baiting the people who send them, but this was my first-ever death threat. It's like a trophy - an Academy Award for scambaiters - and I'm very proud of it. He's not a very good scammer, though - he didn't even get round to asking me for my bank account details.

I feel obliged to present the overly-lengthy missive in its entirety, here on this very blog, because I don't believe I can do this thing justice in my own words. Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you... Clement Joshua, the only professional assassin I've ever heard of who greets their soon-to-be victims with a cheery hello:

You can RUN but can never HIDE
04/06/12 10:22 PMLess info"Clement Joshua" <>To:<No Recipient>

Hello am i am a professional hired killer
You don't know me but I know you
Because i am paid to kill you, your daughters and your boys

Everything about you I have been told this is
What I do for a living

There is only one way you can help yourself if you want to live again That
is why am WRITING you

Note: this do not involve the police
or let any one know about this, If you do I have no choice but kill you
Don’t be surprise why am letting you know
I want to help you if you will co-operate with me
Contact my email if you want to live

But if you don't have respect 4 life, be prepare to dance to the music
of the dead. I am very sorry for you , It is a pity that this is how
your life is going to end as soon as you don't comply. As you can see
there is no need for me introducing myself to you because I don't have
any business with you, my duty as I am mailing you now is just to
(KILL YOU ) and I have to do it as I have already been paid for that.

Someone you call a Friend wants you Dead by all means, and the person
have spent a lot of money on this, the person also came to me
and told me that he wanted you dead and he provided us with
your name , picture and other necessary information we needed about
you. So I have sent my men to track you down in Location and they
have carried out the necessary investigation needed for the operation
on you, and they have done that but I told them not to kill you that I
will like to contact you and see if your life is Important to you or
not. Since we have find out that you are innocent.

I called my client back and ask him of your email address which I
didn't tell him what I wanted to do with it and he gave it to me and I
am using it to contact you now. As I am writing to you now my men are
monitoring you and they are telling me everything about you.

Now do you want to LIVE OR DIE? As someone has paid us to kill you.
Get back to me immediately when you get this mail.



Lucky You

You can RUN but can never HIDE

Lucky Me indeed! Poor old Clement Joshua. Of course, I didn't contact the police, but I did tell half of Facebook and anyone else who appreciates appalling, slightly archaic use of the English language. When I finally get round to replying to the guy (a lady is always fashionably late to her own execution), I'll post any responses on here. I rather like me some scammer drama, even if it IS badly spelled and cornier than "Sunset Beach". I'm troubled by the fact that this guy has a picture of me though - I'm notoriously unphotogenic, and I wasn't even allowed to choose which photo he was supplied with. I hope it's one of me on a good day (washed, dressed, wearing trousers), because then there's very little chance of me dancing to the music of the dead when I wander around looking like shit 95% of the time.

Speaking of drama (although not exciting assassination drama, boo!), today, Gabriel is on a mission to do as many fucking annoying things as possible in 60 seconds. I don't enjoy these little challenges he sets himself, because things get broken - things like phones, laptops, charger cables, games consoles, and mama's patience. Then he pours orange juice over the wreckage and makes this weird hooting noise. And then he falls off the sofa. And screams. And runs around like his ass is on fire. Kid's just a noisy blur these days.

Monk's speech is slowly advancing. Instead of a constant loop of "Who dat who dat wha dat wha dat?", he now breaks it up with "Lemme ha dat who dat TACK TOCK TACK TOCK wha MUMMMMMM issssh issssh issssh." I do love hearing his sweet, cheerful little voice, just not at 5 in the morning, banshee-style, because he's thrown his favourite toy out of the cot *yawns*.

I've missed writing this thing, I've just realised - I promise not to neglect you anymore, little bloglet! I enjoy reading the traffic stats for this blog too, despite the fact that as soon as this post is published, I'll probably be deluged with scammers messing up the figures. In the past fortnight, someone came here by searching for "Don't mess with my truck shit head". Another was concerned with "Carla Bruni bad mental state" (a LOT of people come to mama via Mrs. B.-S. and her freaky-faced shenanigans. Thanks bird. The French may not like you, but you've always treated me well). Another hoped to find "barefoot big dick", and "old lemur porn". It's cheering to know that this blog is the Number One source of pornographic well-hung former First Lady primate truck banter on the Internet, especially after the week I've had.

I shall leave you all now, and be warned: if it takes me 4 weeks to blog again, Clement Joshua's probably got me.